Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
