Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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