Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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