Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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