her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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