she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
