Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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