I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
