so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
