dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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