i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
