i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
