and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
