I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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