I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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