These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
