I want to have your abortion
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
