Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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