I wanna bring you to show and tell
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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