Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
