just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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