There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
