yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
