The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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