Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
