I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
