I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
