Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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