I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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