Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
