Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
