I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
