I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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