The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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