I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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