I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
