pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
