so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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