I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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