On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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