looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
