Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
