We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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