What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
