No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
