I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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