Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
