we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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