I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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