Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
