and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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