Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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